Local Man Discovers Wi-Fi Works Better When He Believes In Himself

After years of cursing at routers, unplugging modems, and blaming mysterious “internet ghosts,” a local man, Brian Flanagan, claims he has finally cracked the code to strong Wi-Fi: self-confidence.

“I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and said, 'You are enough,’” said Flanagan, who insists his download speed immediately jumped from 3 Mbps to 150. “I stopped doubting myself, and suddenly my connection stopped doubting me.”

Flanagan reports that the Wi-Fi signal strength improved dramatically whenever he practiced “positive affirmations” near his router. When asked to demonstrate, he stood in front of it, closed his eyes, and whispered, 'You are powerful. You are limitless. You can stream HD.' Witnesses claim the router lights instantly stabilized.

Tech experts have dismissed the claim as “emotionally charming but technologically absurd,” though several admitted they were “a little inspired” to believe in their own firmware updates.”

As of press time, Flanagan's neighbors reported their connection speeds also improved slightly after overhearing his daily pep talks. “Honestly,” said one, “it's the first time I've felt emotionally connected to my Wi-Fi network.”

World Leaders Agree to Blame Each Other for Everything

In a historic show of global unity, world leaders have come together to officially sign the International Agreement of Mutual Blame (IAMB) — a landmark treaty ensuring that no one, anywhere, ever has to take responsibility again.

During the signing ceremony, leaders from over 80 nations stood proudly as they pledged to “mutually and perpetually deflect accountability onto one another.” The U.S. President called it “a major step forward in the art of political finger-pointing.”

Under the new terms, whenever a crisis occurs — whether it's a global economic downturn, a natural disaster, or someone forgetting to mute during a Zoom summit — an official blame wheel will be spun to decide which country is at fault this time. The wheel reportedly includes spaces for “Canada,” “The Internet,” and “That One Guy From Sweden.”

The United Nations praised the treaty as “a triumph of teamwork in the pursuit of collective denial.” Meanwhile, protesters outside the summit demanded to know who was responsible for creating the treaty in the first place — a question that, ironically, remains unanswered.

Economists warn that the global economy may collapse under the weight of everyone simultaneously shrugging. Still, optimism remains high among diplomats who say the deal will “save years of effort” by replacing future investigations with an enthusiastic round of “Not it!”

Tech Company Introduces Phone That Apologizes Every Time It Freezes

After years of public backlash and customer frustration, a leading tech company has unveiled its latest innovation: the world's first smartphone that sincerely apologizes every time it freezes, crashes, or fails to load your messages.

The device, called the iSorry 15, features a built-in empathy chip that detects user frustration through touch pressure and facial recognition. When it senses anger, the phone automatically vibrates softly and says, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disappoint you again.” Early users report feeling “seen” for the first time in years.

“It's so validating,” said beta tester Tamara Ruiz. “Yesterday my screen froze mid-text, and instead of just restarting, it apologized and promised to do better. I actually forgave it.”

Critics, however, worry the technology could backfire. “If people start forming emotional bonds with their devices,” warned one psychologist, “we may soon see phones asking for forgiveness or even therapy sessions.”

Company officials reassured the public that the phone's remorse algorithm “has boundaries,” but users have already reported receiving late-night texts from their phones that read, 'Hey… are you mad at me?'